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Karimi

Ali Karimi
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I'll be in Bahrain in less than a month , which is an occasion for celebration. (I mean for me, but you can celebrate too if you feel the need)

A friend asked me an interesting question : "How do you think up this stuff ?". I replied telling him that I don't think up this stuff because there isn't much thinking involved.The key to it is not to think. In fact, the more I think the less sense the joke makes to me. So to make this clearer I'll give an example :

   1. Take something that makes complete sense. Such as gravity.
   2. Make the most uninformed generalization possible. Example: Gravity is cause of all wars, cause if we were all floating no one would want to fight, and even if we did bombs wouldn't work.
   3. Don't read what you write after you typed it, that's called revision.Revision pretty much means you have to start over.

I've seen Grindhouse and AquaTeen: Hunger Force with friends, and both are pretty interesting movies. The first was fantastic, AND you get to see two movies for the price of one (which is always a good deal). The second was perhaps the craziest movie/cartoon I've ever seen, so if you're ever up for randomness to an extreme then you should watch it.

I was thinking of Tourettes syndrome the other day, its the illness where a person would scream out expletives for no reason. For example : "I was going to the SHIT store and FUCKING HELL bought groceries". Its not the worst thing you can have, but its pretty sucky.Anyway, wouldn't it be fantastic if you had reverse tourettes' ? You would shout out compliments randomly at any time for no reason. "I was going to the YOUR HAIR LOOKS GOOD store and I LIKE YOUR PERFUME bought groceries". People would think you're a pretty friendly guy. Would suck in a fight though : "You want a piece of this HANDSOME GUY ?! I'll kick your WELL TONED ass !"

I'm reading a history book about Vietnam for my American History class, its called A Rumor of War and its by Philip Caputo. What makes this book so special is that it has the single most uninteresting introduction I've ever read :

"This book does not pretend to be history.It has nothing to do with politics,power,strategy,influence,national interests, or foreign policy..."

Now to be fair its a really interesting book about the story of a soldier in Vietnam, but its just that for a person studying history those lines make a person say : "Screw it, I'll read something relevant".

On a side note there was an unemployed protest the other day, and I couldn't help thinking : "Well of course they're unemployed, they're spending all their time protesting... Guys, just put down the picket signs and go do something, clean something somewhere." Of course I said this to one of them, who took out a knife and mugged me. While it was distressing I couldn't help but tell him as he ran away with my wallet : "Now you've got it ! Go out there and be somebody ! Or rob one, whatever."

While the human body is a miracle on its own, there are things I wish were different.

    * Instead of killing you with pain when you get injured your body should call the cops. It would be so much more helpful. "Someone call a doctor !" "Its ok, my foot is calling already."
    * I wish semen tasted like chocolate and but was as nourishing as a steak dinner. It would solve world hunger and overpopulation wouldn't it ? I suppose the only problems would be an increase in sex-addicts as well as over-eaters ; an unfortunate increase in bulimia; and an increase in foot and mouth disease (or --- and mouth...)
    * If only your body would listen when you talked to it. "Hey, remember this ,brain" "No prob bud". "Hey foot, kick this guy." "OW !" "My foot did it"
    * I wish my body would work out while I 'm asleep. "Ok, goodnight stomach." "Night yourself, I've gotta hit the gym , you have a date tommorow".

I watched an old episode of Scooby Doo and realized how weird some of the mysteries were. Some were easy when it came to picking the villian, those were cool, but some episodes had a villian that had nothing to do with the crime. "Look Velma, it's the gardener that didn't even make an appearance in this episode or any other episode ! He did it !" "Why didn't I see it coming ,Shaggy?" "I guess its cause there isn't a garden here and we are on a boat in the middle of the Atlantic."

Mr.Miyagi says, "He who is at peace with himself, fights squirrels". No wonder you were fired from that fortune cookie factory.
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Well, I was going to do something special for April's Fools, something like pretending to close this blog, but after thinking it over I realized more people would be disappointed after they realize its gonna stay than people disappointed by the thought of me giving up. I tested it on a friend who thought I was going to scrap the blog, he said "Its about time you started seeing some sense" , then I told him I was kidding...he wasn't happy.

Ah spring. The season in which nature ejaculates everywhere. Everything in Atlanta is covered in yellow pollen, it almost looks like God took two huge chalkboard erasers and beat them repeatedly over the city. Thankfully though I'm not allergic to this stuff so its not a problem.

Speaking of allergies I noticed something while eating a candy bar the other day ; if you have a candy bar available you should check it out too. After the ingredients there's a warning which states : "Allergy Warning : May contain peanuts and milk". Now I don't mind the warning, but whats with the "may contain" ? If they don't know whats in the candy they make then who does ?

"Hey did we put milk in this ?"
"I dunno....maybe ?"

The thing is, people with allergies won't take this risk will they ?

"Hm, does this have peanuts ? I'm seriously allergic to peanuts"
"It says maybe, so eat it anyway you'll be fine cause there might not be any"
"Munch Munch I can't breathe "
"Tough luck, I guess this bar did have peanuts."

I came up with some better warnings that pretty much say the same thing :

    * "Allergy Warning : We don't know all the ingredients in this bar "
    * "Allergy Warning : Proceed at your own risk."
    * "Allergy Warning : This may or may not trigger your allergies. We don't know if we put anything bad in it. Feelin' lucky punk ?"
    * "Allergy Warning : May contain broken glass. "

Considering it was a Peanut Butter Bar I would be really surprised if there were no peanuts in there. If that was the case then there not being peanuts wouldn't be my biggest concern , it would be what they put in there in its place.

Illegal immigration is a big issue here, lots of emotion because of the subject. We had a debate over it the other day, where I stated my view in a simple but convincing manner.

"What do you think of illegal immigration ,Karimi ?"
"Not all illegal immigrants are bad ya know, there are some who I can't imagine America without."
"Oh ? Like who ?"
"E.T. for example, he was an illegal immigrant but he was ok, right ?"
"But he was an alien."
"Exactly"
"No. I mean he was a foreign being"
"...Exactly"
"No , no , I mean he was foreign to earth. The rules don't apply to him."
"So what you're saying aliens can come through but aliens can't ?"
"Yes."
"Racist."
"Plus, E.T. left eventually."
"Yea, because of jerks like you. Racist."

I was reading a study the other day, there's tons of that stuff here at Georgia Tech. The study says that even babies have the ability to distinguish right from wrong , which means that the next time a baby vomits on you , you know for sure that that baby is an asshole. So parents, if your kid pees on you when he probably didn't have to ,give up, cause he/she will grow up to be an axe murderer.

Mr.Miyagi says, "A wise man once asked the ocean whether it produces gametes. The ocean answered yes. The man asked what they were called. The ocean replied : seamen."
Did you make that up ?
" No, a wise man did."
Yea but did you make up the whole thing ?
"I think so..."
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I'm back from Canada where I had many enjoyable adventures. Its good to be home and if you're ever in Canada, be sure to pack a jacket.

One thing I found interesting in Canada is that on cigarette boxes they have this interesting statistic :

Every year a town sized group of people die of smoking.

Isn't it much cooler than the surgeon general's warning ? Like I'd listen to an army doctor anyway. I think it should be taken a step further though, make the pack so repulsive that people don't want to buy it. My suggestions are :

    * Change the cover to look like its a pack of "Extra extra small condoms". You know for sure no guys will buy it.
    * Make it look like "Extra strength Herpes cream"
    * Put pictures of people who died really really violent deaths and under that picture put a caption that says : "Smoking kills". Sure its not really related but the people looking won't know that...


If all else fails then just cover the pack in manure and put it in the bottom of a trash can in a feminine products aisle. That will eliminate men, women, and bisexuals.

But seriously, if they want to stick to statistics why not make up some scarier ones ? No one will check them anyway, and plus its meant to scare you into stopping. So here are some more interesting fake statistics/warnings :

    * One of the cigarettes in this pack is laced with poison. Enjoy.
    * Every day there are ten hundred teen pregnancies. Those teens all smoked cigarettes. Coincidence ? We don't think so.
    * Smoking causes sterility.
    * Every time you smoke God kills a kitten. (This one would be more effective if the pack was stuffed with dead kittens)
    * Warning : Terrorists may have tampered with this pack.
    * 69% of all victims of rape are smokers... the other 31 % are also smokers, but they got away just in the nick of time
    * You are about to become a statistic, please sign this flap and mail it to the following address for your permission...

Wow, the last one was actually pretty good.

Its hot in Atlanta now, really hot. I don't mean it in a sexually connotative way, it really is hot.

I'm trying everything to cool down, I've got "Cold as Ice", Ice T songs, and Vanilla Ice on my playlist looping all day but it does nothing for me.

Its so hot right now that you sweat in the shower. While showering. Its so hot that the toilet water evaporates. Its SO hot that the ants are like "screw it, we will see you in fall" and have hidden. The downside to all the ants packing and leaving is that there are tons of other freaky insects and appearing, 3 inch moths and other ghastly flying things are appearing everywhere ; and to be honest I'll take an ant over a monstrous butterfly any day.

In today's episode of "Things that Don't Make Sense !" with your host yours truly :

Issue : Organized religion
Use : "I believe in organized religion" .
Problem : Well, I think organized religion is a nice phrase and all, but what exactly is disorganized religion ?
Attempts to understand : Maybe organized religion refers to the social structure ? But then I'm sure all religions are organized to some extent aren't they ?
Examples of disorganized religion :

Example 1 :
"Lets pray"
"Who do we pray to ?"
"Some God, I dunno. Who did we pray to last time ? "
"That rock there"
"Ok, lets do that cloud there. It looks holy"

Example 2 :
"Lets pray"
"I want to party "
"Lets party !"
"Woohoo. Ok. Lets pray now "
"Lets go read Chomsky !"
"Woohoo !"
"We are totally religious."

Example 3 :
"Ok, who's our prophet ?"
"We don't have one."
"Who do we worship ? "
"Anything you want , just call that anything : Holy-ness"
"Uh...ok, I'll worship Holy-ness. But what do we believe in ? "
"Holy-ness."

Verdict : Lets just call it religion from now on.

Mr. Miyagi says ,"Its gettin' hot in here, I'll take off all my clothes." He's not singing...
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Hello !

So, here's how it went down in my History class a few days ago. (Warning, some expletives)

American History, a quick debate over the treatment of blacks in the US heats up and moves onto the subject of ... affirmative action (cue dramatic music and a woman's scream). Karimi is sitting in his chair next to some white dude whom he has never spoken to , it is the first time Karimi has sat near him . The guy turns to me, with a mad look in his eye and talks :

"Man, fuck them blacks"
"Uhm...ok."
A few seconds later.
"You know what, fuck them Jews too".
"Yea. I guess."
Then the guy gets excited.
"You know what ? Fuck em all, but you know who should be fucked the most ?"
"I'm sorry, are you talking to me ?"
"Fuck yea !"
"No..."
"Fuck foreigners ,man, every single one"
The guy then gives me a dirty look. I decide to respond.
"You're right ! Fuck foreigners !"
He looks a bit confused but keeps going.
"Yea, fuck 'em all !
"Hell yea !! We should give this country back to who it belongs !"
"Yea !"
"The true Americans !"
"Fuck yea !"
"The real Americans !"
"Hell fucking yes !"
"The native Americans !!"
"Well uh. I mean..."
He then shuts up and looks the other way,after a few seconds he says softly.
"Well...fuck..me..."

To be fair though, he's the only open racist I met so far. The rest are probably in the closet. Which is quite horrifying to tell you the truth. You open your closet to get a hat and wham : "Get out of my country !!"

Anyway, I'm living here with Miyagi , "Hey", who as you know is pure evil. "95 % proof". Close enough... wait, whats the other five percent ? "Candy." Evil candy ? "Cotton candy" Oh. Evil cotton ca- "Just give it up". Ok. Evil giv- "Enough !". Life is pretty good here, aside from the ants "Bastards", and of course the man eating chimpanzees "Tasty Bastards". Since our van broke down we have had to run to university, as we can't risk waiting for the bus "Thats when they jump you, at the bus stops". So if you guys want to make sure we don't get eaten please send a van, "Or better yet a shotgun"... think big , Miyagi ! "Ok ok...four wheeled shotguns." I actually meant two shotguns but yea thats pretty cool, if you can afford it please send tanks.

Mr.Miyagi says ,"One hundred bottles of beer on the wall, you take one down, pass it around, and you have an alcoholic."
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Whoa...has it been one month since my last post ? Sorry guys, time flies by really quickly here, I didn't even notice. To prove how fast time flies, that last sentence was written a week ago, this one a week from now. Scary huh ? It feels like it was only yesterday that I didn't write anything at all. "It was yesterday...and the day before , and - " say Mr. Miyagi . I get it, I get it. Anyway, I've noticed a bit more stuff while here, and perhaps you've noticed it too.

I was sick the other day, so I went to the store and got myself a bottle of pills to ease the pain. I get home, and then the process of opening the thing begins. When I say process, I mean process. First, I had to open the box, not too bad. Then I had to get the bottle out of some plastic wrapping, ok, fine. Then, the bottle. I had to remove some red tape that covered the top of the bottle, that took about four minutes, till I had to spear the stupid tape with a pencil. Surely now I can get some relief ? No. Not yet. I had to push down on the top of the bottle, twist it twice to the left and then once to the right. Time for this rogue-ish technique was about two minutes. Finally I get the top off, and theres this silver covering under it, I rip through it with my teeth (the pencil broke) and get my pills, which thankfully had no protection on them. So it was about ten minutes until I could get those pills. When I went to get those pills I had a minor headache, by the time I got through the maze of protective devices (which was only lacking a boulder trap to make it really secure ) I had a headache worse than the one I had when I started.

They should add something to the warning label : "Warning, trying to open this may cause a headache or extreme frustration. Keep away from friends and little kids (we mean keep yourself away, kids won't be able to get through our protection. Hell, Ocean's Eleven couldn't get through this. They'd need at least five more people)." How unsafe were the pills before these measures that they needed to make pills this safe ? Unless I'm mistaken , pills weren't stored in a latrine before were they ? I mean, they weren't kept in a sack full of mice covered in their own poop were they ? So why so much protection ? Its panadol for God's sake not weapons of mass destruction. They should rename it to : Panadol for quick relief from calmness, try to take two to cure any tranquility you may feel. On a side note, if they packaged anthrax like these pills no terrorists would even bother :

"Forget it man, lets just try something else."
"Like what ?"
"I dunno, exploding water bottles or something."

Mr.Miyagi says, "From the depths of the abyss, we find light." I told you not to use my bathroom !
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